are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
