you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
