You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
