I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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