Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
