When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
