then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We're using joints as your birthday candles
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
