she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
