So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
