these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
