Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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