haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
