so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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