I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
