I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I need moral support for this bender
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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