i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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