I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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