Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
