Soap is not a condiment
I should be sponsored by Trojan
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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