your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
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