So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
