I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
