I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
