I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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