masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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