enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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