If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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