A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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