Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
