hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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