just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
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I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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