There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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