ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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