captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
