just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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