Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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