He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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