Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
barbara walters just said penis...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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