Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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