Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
