so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
