If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
