A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
