his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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