would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
