i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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