you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
