apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
