Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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