Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
