We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
