Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
