cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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