Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
