textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
