after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
