Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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