Just fell off a train. Bad.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Randomize
