my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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